I, the masochist

So, I’ve been single for over 2years now (if you’ll excuse my minor periodic stints with my boomerang ex-boyfriends), I admit its quite fun at times, but the majority of times I feel like a Roman Catholic hermit whipping my back with a leather thong to purge myself of my sins.. simply put – I feel terribly terribly sad.

So I ask myself, if loneliness sucks so much for me, why don’t I do something about it? Is my loneliness a state of mind? Do I consciously choose to make myself suffer or am I merely protecting myself from future pain? How can I possibly know when I’ve taken it one step too far? When I’ve reached that proverbial “point-of-no-return”? Is it when I realise that even I don’t want to be with myself? Is that how terribly I view the person I’ve become?So here’s a self-reflection..

My very close friend Ehi says it frankly to me, that I’m sad & lonely by choice… I used to beg to differ.. but now I’m not so sure. I think I’m just a bitter person, who is slowly coming to terms with the fact that maybe, just maybe its time I stop being such a Miss Havisham (go read Great Expectations) and open myself up to the possibility that maybe I do want to be with someone..
Maybe Mr Could-Be-Just-Right really does exist!What was the point of this somewhat meaningless rant? I’m over hurting myself & denying my feelings. So the bull is in front of me and I’m grabbing its horns. Best beware he he he

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